Crazy Making Indecision

After my time in Germany, I decided against medical school. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a bigger vision of what I should do instead, so I fell into crazy making indecision and back on pre-med classes, and did everything halfheartedly.

Truly, I knew in that instant that I didn’t want to pursue medicine anymore, but I didn’t have the balls to end it. I’d told everyone my whole life that I wanted to be a doctor. I’d spent all this time and money preparing myself.

What a mess of cognitive dissonance.

Good grief. I was so torn up by my indecision that I engaged in self-destructive behaviors such as not studying and withdrawing from regular activities.

I realize now that the pursuit of goals is important, even if the goals are wrong. The pursuit of a bigger-than-yourself goal is important to fulfillment and ultimately happiness.

Circumstances don’t determine happiness, your ability to see beyond yourself, work towards a bigger goal and help others is what real, lasting happiness is built on.

And here’s me, my whole life, questioning everything. Even stuff I wholeheartedly believe. Or want to wholeheartedly believe. My only whole-hearted belief was that I couldn’t hold beliefs too strongly because I might be wrong. The constant questioning can drive a person nuts.

My newer philosophy, built upon reading many books on the subject is, pick and pursue a goal as if you did wholeheartedly believe it. Put your heart into your pursuits, even if you’re not totally convinced. So that, when you get the point where you want to change directions or goals, you know you gave it your all. You can be proud of your efforts, even if they were in the wrong direction. There’s nothing sadder than looking back to discover you were on a good path but messed it up with crazy-making indecision.

Path of Indecision Flint Hills Watercolor
Path of Indecision Flint Hills Watercolor

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