Pride Masking Itself as Insecurity
I struggled with anxiety and insecurity my whole life. From anxiety on the school bus to calling my baby’s doctor and calling myself a mother for the first time, anxiety was my constant life companion.
I struggle with not being good enough. I struggle with imposter syndrome. I’m not good enough. I can’t ask for help. Why would anyone want to help me? I can’t forgive myself because my faults are worse than others. I can’t forgive myself because I’m not worth it.
I confessed this fear to a friend recently, and she turned it around for me. If I can’t forgive myself / ask for help / pursue my dream / follow my talents because I don’t feel worth it, I am then saying my God doesn’t know what He’s doing.
Am I smarter than God?
He gave me these talents. He provided a desire in others to help. He has proclaimed to forgive anyone anything at anytime when they confess their sins. Just ask. I had asked and believed that I was forgiven… By God. But I hadn’t forgiven myself. I had needed help and saw a helper, but couldn’t ask.
My own pride had gotten in the way.
It’s interesting to see this insecurity, anxiety, self-doubt, and negative self-talk as pride. Pride that I know more about myself than God, and I’m not loveable.
God has proclaimed that he loves everyone and that everyone is loveable.
Trust is the key. Trust that He loves you. Trust that He has given you talents that He wants you to use. When I think about my talents, I don’t feel very talented. When I think about being a good steward of what God has given me, it would be wasteful to NOT use my talents. When I think about selling anything I get uncomfortable. When I think about blessing others with gifts, I want to bless people.
I need to be humble enough to accept the gift of talent and use it. Other people’s opinion and response to my work is not my responsibility. My use of the talents and my effort are my responsibility. If I’m NOT using my gifts to the best of my ability, I’m failing. I’m saying God didn’t know what He was doing in my case. How conceited is that?